Still nothing in the morning. I’d crack it open and see if loosely wiring my old battery in works, but I’d kill the warranty if it doesn’t.
It’s up for sale now, for anyone with the guts to risk that. 
■■■■■ I’ll have to take some POS jam or sport as a replacement. Maybe they’ll give me 2 POS jam or sports since this is worth 5 times (actually 10 times) more.
